When I obtained a marriage invitation from my buddies Jiyeon Kim and Olof Norlander this yr, I knew precisely the place I’d decide up their marriage ceremony current: the financial institution.

The two had already married in Uppsala, Sweden, the place they stay, however Ms. Kim’s father wished the newlyweds to have a second ceremony in Changwon, South Korea, the place he had spent years attending the weddings of his buddies’ and colleagues’ youngsters.

As is custom, he gave the marrying {couples} envelopes of money identified in Korean as chug-ui-geum, or congratulatory cash. Having a marriage in South Korea would enable him not solely to share the joyous event along with his household and buddies, but in addition to offset the prices of the occasion with reciprocated money presents from attendees.

“We can’t deny that the surplus in money was one of the good outcomes of the wedding,” mentioned Ms. Kim, 32, who held her second ceremony in May.

Weddings are peaking right now of yr, and in Asia, it has lengthy been customized to congratulate marrying {couples} with money as an alternative of presents from a registry. In South Korea, visitors current their envelopes of money to an appointed good friend or member of the family of the newlywed couple upon arriving on the reception. In return, they’re offered with a meal ticket that permits them entrance to the marriage banquet, and the quantity given is discreetly written in a register. Guests who can not attend are given the choice to wire cash to the newlyweds’ checking account quantity written on the invitation.

While it has change into increasingly popular for {couples} within the United States to ask for money when getting married, it’s nonetheless uncommon for American {couples} to have a registry that’s money solely, mentioned Emily Forrest, director of communications for Zola, a marriage registry web site.

Nobu Nakaguchi, a co-founder at Zola, mentioned he observed cultural variations in gift-giving when he received married in 2005. He had a Roman Catholic marriage ceremony within the United States and a Buddhist marriage ceremony in Japan. It was an enchanting expertise to obtain money at his Japanese marriage ceremony, he mentioned, since many Americans imagine that giving money is gauche.

“If you go to an Asian country like Japan or Korea, the expectation is to receive a cash gift,” Mr. Nakaguchi, 48, mentioned. “I don’t think we’re fully there in the U.S.”

Despite long-held customs round giving money, discussing expectations about cash was thought of a cultural taboo in Asian nations, mentioned Lee Eun-hee, a client science professor at Inha University in South Korea.

“While money gifts are expected and desired, our culture forbids us to explicitly spell out what we want,” she mentioned, declaring that that is why etiquette dictates cash be offered in envelopes.

This dichotomy has resulted in a wealthy dialog across the etiquette of giving money at weddings in Asia. Should a present mirror the price of your banquet meal? How do you place a numerical worth on a friendship? Here are some unwritten guidelines on how giving cash works at Asian weddings.

When Parents Own the Wedding

Mengqi Wang, an assistant professor of anthropology at Duke Kunshan University who had two weddings in China, described each of her experiences as massive affairs that didn’t attempt to mirror her and her husband’s relationship. She felt an obligation to have the ceremonies, largely as a result of she knew they have been necessary rituals for her mother and father.

“We don’t have that money,” she mentioned of the money presents, which finally went to her mother and father. “I don’t even know how much money my parents got.”

While weddings in Asia are more and more turning into much less conventional, mother and father play a significant function in arranging the occasion and making monetary choices as a result of they’re typically paying for it. It’s frequent for folks to find out how a lot of the congratulatory cash the newlyweds hold.

This is why a mother or father at a Korean marriage ceremony is known as the hon-ju, or proprietor of the marriage. Many Korean {couples} work out a system with their mother and father wherein they hold a selected portion of the cash. However, when cash could also be a degree of competition, some brides will appoint a gabang-sooni, or individual in control of your bag, to gather the cash in personal moderately than on the reception.

Don’t Show Me the Money

Gift cash isn’t meant to be bodily seen. To work round this, many Asian cultures have particular envelopes for the event. In South Korea, solely crisp, new payments are to be offered — stacked front-first — in a white envelope with the giver’s title written vertically on it.

In Japan, the shugi-bukuro, or envelope for congratulatory cash, was historically made by hand in pink and white, however can now be purchased in quite a lot of colours. In many Chinese cultures, the envelope most related to the Lunar New Year, hong-bao, is famously pink. Since cash is given for plenty of events, together with funerals, Asian marriage ceremony attendees ought to be certain the proper envelope is given.

Recently, sending cash by way of a financial institution switch or electronically through digital envelopes on messaging apps like WeChat and KakaoTalk has additionally change into acceptable.

Calculate Your Closeness

Ms. Kim, who has attended weddings in Europe and Asia, mentioned it was a lot tougher for her to resolve how a lot to contribute to a marriage in Sweden, for the reason that customs are totally different.

While a present anyplace is a consideration of your relationship and the social state of affairs, there may be typically a socially accepted components to gift-giving in Asia that takes into consideration quite a lot of components, together with beliefs about auspicious numbers and energy in relationships.

In Japan, the place the common goshugi, or envelope of money given at an auspicious event, is someplace from 30,000 yen ($211) to 50,000 yen ($350), it’s typically understood {that a} youthful grownup or faculty scholar ought to contribute ¥10,000 ($70), whereas office superiors and older family members ought to purpose for the upper finish of that vary or extra.

General recommendation from Korean blogs and society reporting recommends asking your self these questions to know what constitutes a detailed relationship: Is the individual inviting you a piece colleague? Did you obtain a cell invitation solely? Does your mom know this individual’s title? Would your mom’s response to listening to the individual’s title be “Oh, right, that person’s daughter”? Any reply pointing to closeness would add to the suitable quantity — usually leading to a fee from 50,000 gained ($39) to 100,000 gained ($77), based on a survey of South Korean singles in 2022.

Ms. Wang, the anthropology professor, mentioned the cash given at weddings was additionally used to determine a stronger bond, or guanxi.

“The wedding is one of those occasions where you get to give a gift to someone,” she mentioned. “Without a special occasion, it would look out of context. To give a gift — a good one — is also a way to cement relationships.”

It’s not only a financial change however an change of credit score and debt, she added.

As such, the marriage reward giving system has been abused by individuals in energy, and governments in Asia have even tried to control presents to forestall bribery and corruption. In South Korea, an anti-graft regulation, the Kim Young-ran Act, was put into place limiting how a lot public servants could possibly be given on varied events — capping money presents at 100,000 gained at weddings. But the act has been tough to implement as a result of a separate entity must audit every reward offered on the ceremonies.

Cover Your Plate

In addition to social place and proximity, standard knowledge in Asia says the price of the banquet meal must be factored in. This thought is so widespread in Singapore that dozens of websites lay out how a lot a desk prices at most main resorts within the nation.

Michelle Tay, an editor at Singapore Brides, says that whereas she encourages readers to pay as a lot ang bao (Hokkien for pink envelope) as they will, many individuals prefer to have a tough estimate of how a lot others are paying by first wanting on the costs listed on the venue.

“Every half a year or so, venues will adjust their banquet prices according to rising costs,” Ms. Tay mentioned. “This indirectly causes people to feel pressured to pay more when they check the ang bao guides that are updated with the new rates.”

Ms. Lee, the patron science professor, is usually contacted by Korean media organizations for recommendation on how a lot to pay at a marriage. She mentioned her rule of thumb was at all times: “Look up the venue where the couple is getting married. See how much a meal there costs. And if you will not cover the price of your plate, it’s better not to go and send them an electronic transfer of 50,000 won instead.”

Use a Lucky Number

Since many Asian cultures have superstitions round cash, it might be sensible to lookup which numbers are thought of fortunate on the marriage ceremony in query. In South Korea, the quantity 4 is taken into account unfortunate due to its resemblance to the character for demise. In Japan, be cautious of any sum that’s divisible by two, as a result of it’s simply separated. In China, values ending in eight are most popular for his or her affiliation with wealth and prosperity.

It’s Not Tit for Tat

Ms. Wang mentioned her mom’s precept was at all times: “You have to remember how much the person gave you, and you reciprocate, but never the equal amount of value. It shouldn’t feel like a market transaction. Reciprocate by adding a little more to indicate you want to continue to have a relationship with that person.”

Her mom’s recommendation additionally got here with a warning: “If you pay too much more, it can come across as arrogance.”

In China, when she is uncertain of how a lot to pay, Ms. Wang calls her buddies to check notes.

“If we lived in a perfectly closed community, everybody would know their positions and they would know how much to give, but the reality is that we’re always mobile,” she mentioned. This is true whether or not an individual is making an attempt to place a determine on a marriage reward, sending condolences to a funeral (additionally a money reward in lots of Asian nations) or making an attempt to select a present for a child bathe.

In some methods, “it’s no different than what happens in America,” Mr. Nakaguchi mentioned. People keep in mind what visitors spent at their marriage ceremony and attempt to reciprocate equal or larger values.